Sunday, March 13, 2011
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Oh, you can have whatever you want. I’m not eating today.”
“Why aren’t you eating today?”
“I’m shrinking my stomach.”
Now, women know that if we don’t eat anything for a day, our stomach will collapse inward. Then, the next day, a smaller amount of food will make us full. It’s completely scientific. And, don’t expect us to cook for you on this day, because that would just be cruel. Men don’t understand this.
“Honey, is your car still making that noise?”
“I don’t know. I turn up the radio so I can’t hear it.”
Women know that when a car makes an unidentifiable sound, we don’t even consider taking it in to be checked. Why would we put ourselves through the humiliation of trying to imitate the sound as every man in the place snickers? Why would we waste our time trying to convince the mechanic he needs to drive the car to hear it, only to find that for the first time in eight months, the sound is gone? So, as far as we are concerned, there is really nothing wrong with the car. Men don’t understand this.
“Honey, we need to leave for the party. Are you ready?”
“But, you’ve had seven hours to get ready.”
Women know that it doesn’t really matter if we have three days to get ready. Everything we do has to be done at the last minute. We wait to shower so we will still be fresh. We wait to get dressed, so we don’t wrinkle our outfit. Nails must be polished last, because once they are wet, there must be nothing else we have to do, except to use the bathroom, which must be done seconds before leaving the house. Men don’t understand this.
“Honey, where is the bag of Oreos?”
“I ate them all.”
“I thought you were on a diet?”
Women know that to be on a diet, all the foods that would tempt us must be gone. We will consume huge amounts of food that would be bad for our diet. Men don’t understand this.
“Honey, if you are concerned about running out of gas, why don’t you fill it when you have half a tank?”
Women know that putting gas in the car is not one of our favorite activities, which means we will do anything to avoid it. We will use the following excuses NOT to stop and get gas:
It’s too cold out.
It’s too hot out.
It’s too windy.
There is a chance for lightning.
We are waiting for the price to come down.
Someone was using our favorite pump.
Somewhere between an eighth of a tank and the warning light coming on, we will offer our car to anyone, with the hope that they will fill it up. Men don’t understand this.