Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Scary Movies: Rules for staying alive...

I love scary movies. Not gory slasher flicks, but ghosts, portals to hell, and haunted houses (and a scene where someone has to look through microfilm to find old news articles.)  But, I can’t help but notice that they are getting a bit cliché. I’ve put together a list of suggestions if you ever find yourself in a scary movie setting.  They could just save your life...

1.      When a house tells you to get out, GET OUT.


2.      Do not let your dog dig…anywhere.


3.      If you have lost a loved one, by no means participate in any kind of ceremony to bring them back.


4.      If you hear a noise in the middle of the night, instead of grabbing a baseball bat and walking around in the dark, grab your keys and leave.


5.      Never walk into a cornfield.


6.      If you and your friends are bored, go bowling. Breaking into the town’s creepiest abandoned house is the last thing you should do. Actually, drinking in a cemetery is the last thing you should do.


7.      Avoid little girls with braids.


8.      Always, ALWAYS walk forward. If you must walk backward, at least look behind you first.


9.      Never take the trash out after dark.


10.  Add a priest to your speed dial.


11.  You should immediately leave town if you experience any of the following:


An unusually large amount of crows, bees, or flies


A large hole which doesn’t seem to have a bottom (and whatever you do, don’t drop something in to see how deep it is).


A doll, ANY doll


Your new neighbors moving in after dark


A chair rocking by itself (not necessarily a rocking chair)


Your child’s imaginary friend talking back

12.  When searching for something or someone, never suggest splitting up.


13.  And last, but not least, if you need to check into a motel in the middle of the night, look for a brightly lit Holiday Inn in the center of town. Evil has never checked into a Holiday Inn.


Following my rules won't guarantee you'll never see a ghost, or a clown doll come to life, or the walls of your house bleed, but if I've saved you from at least one scary movie cliché, I've done my part. That being said, if they ever do come up with something new and original, you’re on your own (insert scary laughter here).

Happy Halloween!