Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Why I Don't Skydive...

Before I get into this post, I have to show you a couple of definitions that are very important.

1.      Clumsy (adjective) Done awkwardly or without skill or elegance.

2.      Accident-prone (adjective) Having a greater than average number of accidents or mishaps.
I feel certain that after you have finished reading, you will agree that I fall into the category of the second definition, not the first.

It started in early childhood.  I cracked my head open sledding down a hill on one of those extremely dangerous metal saucers. Apparently, you should not lie in them in a fetal position. This was before safety warnings. Any time I was placed on a stool, I would fall off backwards. Another hazard no home should have. One Christmas morning, I fell down an entire flight of stairs. Cause: A deadly combination of pajamas with feet in them and carpeted stairs. Add Christmas morning exuberance and you have a cocktail for disaster.
As an adult, the “accidents” continued. Most of the time I stayed safely indoors, but every year, we would go on a vacation (I can’t even say the word without shuddering). One year, while in Florida, we decided our second child was old enough to play miniature golf. We gave her some basic instructions as she stood ready at Hole 1. She swung. The next thing I knew, the world went black. Apparently, our little girl, who has always been an overachiever, took a full swing, hitting my sunglasses, which I was wearing on my face at the time.  I spent the rest of our trip with black and blue circles around each eye.

A year or so later, someone in my family decided it would be fun to go inner-tubing down a river. We got on a bus which dropped us off, inner-tubes and all, upriver. My son got in first. Then, it was my turn. My husband volunteered to be tethered to my daughter, so he could keep an eye on her. We were promised a relaxing ride. Because my son and I were lighter, we drifted quite ahead of the group. Just when I started to relax, I saw a two foot drop ahead of us. I watched my son go over it with ease. As I think back on what happened next, I believe I panicked at the last second and tried to grab a rock. The river didn’t like that and swallowed me up. I went head first into the cold mountain stream. The current was too strong for me to stand, so I bobbed up and down getting mouthfuls of water each time. I managed to get to one side and climbed the embankment. My shoes and sunglasses were gone.
I had no choice but to get back in the inner-tube, my only mode of transportation back to civilization. As our ride came to an end, my son stood up, big smile on his face, and said “Look, Mom, I rescued your shoes!” Sure enough, he had scooped them up as they floated by. When my husband finally arrived, I asked him why he didn’t come to my rescue. My daughter informed me that when I capsized, my husband told her “Hey, that lady just flipped over!” and my daughter had to tell him “DAD, that was MOM!!!” That’s when I realized the man who was keeping an “eye” on our daughter was completely blind without his glasses.
Over the years, I was chased by bees on a hike and went over a cliff, I fell off a surfboard and then got smacked with it in the face, I flipped over on an ATV and got pinned, I rolled off the back of a snowmobile, I was in the front seat of a small plane, when my door flew open at several thousand feet, and if you are a regular reader, you know I broke my collarbone walking the dog.

So, I’m sure you will agree that I am accident-prone. We can rule out clumsy, because I fall, dive, and trip, with great elegance.
Oh yeah, one more thing…yes, I live in Colorado, but don’t ask me if I ski.

11 comments:

Lesley said...

You survived falling thousands of feet from a plane? That's a full blog post alone!

Bunny Jean said...

Hi Elaine!

At least you have an active lifestyle. Most people just get hurt at home. I hear bathrooms are really dangerous...

Colorado may be where we move to next, but I will never hit the slopes ever again... Once was enough after my husband catapulted me off the lift chair when he got off!

xoxo Bunny Jean

SavannahGranny said...

Elaine, I love this post.
I felt accident prone until I read your post. The last two years, I have broken a foot and a toe just as Spring was approaching. The last two years my garden has suffered because I had to stand and watch the weeds out perform the flowers.
I am not too sure I am safe reading your post. I would have freaked out when the airplane door popped open.
So glad you are to tell about it.
Blessings and stay safe, Ginger :)

kitty said...

I feel like that, too, Elaine. I went tubing once with my hubby and four kids. The man that dropped us off told us to remain clear of an area that had large trees, where the current was strong. I worried the whole time and guess where the current took me? Yep, right under to the roots of those trees!! Lucky for me that my hubby could pull me out. I'll never go tubing again, needless to say!!

Marlis said...

Okay so this year, i have fallen going to the mailbox. bruised my knee so bad it was swollen like a grapefruit. Then I hit my hand on something and fractured a bone. a week ago thursday, i get up from my desk at work and my neck pops.. instant headache. i mean instant. It gets so bad that I go to the dr on Monday. exrays, etc etc.. he gives me medicine that makes me sick for a week - i only took one pill. two shots and the one pill my headache still took 8 hours to go away. Tuesday I got bronchitis. Monday of this week, I go to my charity work and fall on the sidewalk, push one tooth backwards, cut my lip, bruise both knees, scrape one up.. scrape up my upper lip and my chin. Dr. Calls about the previous week's xrays.. when did I break my neck? hello? what? not ever.. well.. back to the dr with the now swollen lip, I look like a battered wife, and he says the radiologist will have to read the xray again. I asked him if teeth will stay if they get pushed back in place and he says.. maybe.. sometimes not. if they turn black go to the dentist. I can certainly empathize with you..
Look on the bright side - we are still alive!!! xo marlis

Designs By Pinky said...

YIKES!!! I am SO sorry but I did laugh at your story!!! I could see me doing the same thing. But I bet I am ALOT older than you:):) That's my excuse. XO, Pinky

Betty said...

Hi
A big HELLO to you from My Cozy Corner. Thanks for visiting and becoming a follower. After reading your post I hope you have some wonderful safe trips planned for your future. I would love to have you follow for a long...time.
xo
Betty

Entertaining Women said...

No words. Just praising God that you are still up and moving! You are the living definition of "overcomer"! Cherry Kay

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