Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What if Facebook was Real?

I think we would all agree that the world of Facebook is an amazing place. It has so many great features to offer, I think we tend to tolerate the negatives. But, what if Facebook became our real world? How much would we tolerate then?

It’s ten o’clock, and my day is winding down. I’m trying to catch the newest episode of Hoarders, when there is a knock at the door. I answer it and an old colleague is standing there.

“Well, this is a surprise” I say. “Is everything okay with you?”
“I know it’s late, but I just had to share my news. My wife and I were playing Scrabble tonight and I had my highest score ever! I knew you’d want to know!”
“Hmm…that’s great. Thank you for sharing.”

I close the door and sit back down just in time to see the second dead cat pulled out of the hoarder’s house. Yuck… The phone rings.

“Hello friend, I just wanted to invite you to a webinar on implementing sinuous boondogles into your business.”
“Uh…no thanks.”

I hang up. The hoarder is sobbing over a piece of thread that was accidently thrown out. The doorbell rings. The guy who dumped me in high school is now standing on my front porch.

He smiles his still-wicked smile and asks “Do you have something you want to say to me?”
“Not really” and I slam the door shut.

This time I don’t even have a chance to sit down, and there is a knock. A stranger is at my door.

“May I help you?”
“Hi there, I sure hope so. I’ve lost my yak and I wondered if you would distribute flyers to help me find it?”
“I don’t know…it’s kind of late.”

I slam the door shut, just in time to hear my cell phone ring.

“Hi, I wanted to know what time book club is meeting tomorrow night.”
“Do I know you?”
“Sure, my stepsister gets her hair done by a woman whose cousin plays softball with your daughter’s ex-roommate. Should I bring some wine?”

I snap my phone shut. This time I just walk to my front door and open it. The guy who gave me a home loan fifteen years ago reaches towards me and sticks a finger in my belly.

“What the heck was that?” I demand to know, and he runs off.

This is too much! I dial 911 and explain what just happened.

“Oh, so what you’re saying is he “poked” you? That’s not against the law. I’m sure he was just being friendly.”
“Yeah, well it felt like menacing poking to me!”

I give up. I finally sit back down just in time to see the hoarder reunited with her husband who left her three years ago, though she only noticed last week he was gone. Dang it, there’s the doorbell again. The guy who dumped me in high school is back.

He asks the same question “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

So, thank goodness Facebook isn’t real. It isn’t real, right? I'm just not sure. Should I start a group for people who are asking this same question? Yeah, that's what I'll do! I better go now…I have to write five hundred and seventy eight invitations!

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