Monday, February 8, 2010

New Year Resolutions: My Shame Exposed!

I know what you're thinking...wasn't the New Year celebrated last month? Why are you writing about resolutions in February?

Because, my resolutions may be born in January, but they die in February. And, the amount of time I mourn them is equal to the amount of time it took me to create them. For the past ten years, I have used the same list of resolutions. All I do is cross out the year at the top of the page, and scribble in the current year.

Resolution #1 is lose ten pounds. This is an oldie, but a goodie. And, I can tell you the exact moment when this one goes in the can. It’s when the Girl Scouts set up their little card table, stacked high with boxes of cookies, outside my grocery store. I throw up my arms in surrender, give a huge sigh, and pillage through my purse looking for cash. Like a junkie, I hand her a wad of bills, and ask "How many thin mints can I get for this?" The little girl’s face lights up as she fills my arms with boxes. I try to convince myself that she is not the devil, and manage a weak smile.

Resolution #2 has an even shorter life span: exercise more. This one is a little misleading because it implies that I already exercise. It’s just my little joke with myself. I snicker every time I see it. To give you an idea about how quickly this resolution evaporates into thin air, let’s go back to last year. First week of January, I was feeling super motivated to work out. I got into my “exercise outfit” (don’t ask), grabbed my iPod, and a bottle of water. Treadmill, here I come! I headed to the basement where my mini-gym is set up, and in gazelle-like fashion, I flew down the steps two at a time. Miscounting the steps (apparently gazelles can’t count), I came down hard at the bottom and twisted my ankle. My dreams of a slimmer me vanished as my ankle started to swell. My doctor said I had to stay off it for a couple weeks. The silver lining? I was up and around in time for Girl Scout cookie season.

Resolution #3, the final one I’m willing to share with you, is not worth the paper it’s written on. It’s a travesty. Keep the house clean. There is only one possible way I could achieve this goal, and that would be to move out and live somewhere else. I can’t even keep the kitchen table clean. If we need to eat there, I just take everything from the kitchen table and move it to the dining room table. If we need to use the dining room table, I move everything to the basement, and the truth of the matter is, I haven't been able to see my treadmill or other gym equipment in a very long time.

Making these resolutions every year, knowing I can’t and won’t stick to them, may seem like an exercise in futility...but hey, at least it’s an exercise.

2 comments:

Nancy Ewing said...

Tears...in....my....eyes.....many....Kleenex!!!
Hilarious!

Michele Hess said...

So glad you started a blog Elaine. You are so entertaining. Don't worry about those resolutions - there is always next year :)