Sunday, February 21, 2010

What Won't Kill You Will Only Make You Fatter!

When I turned fifty, I really didn’t want a big fuss made. In fact, no gift would have been the perfect gift. But, I did receive a gift—anonymously. Twenty pounds. And, I have been trying to return it ever since. I have tried a few diets, all unsuccessfully, and I thought I would share them with you.

The South Beach Diet- this one was recommended to me by my doctor. I did lose weight during Phase One, or as I liked to call it, suicide watch. But, as soon as I was able to reintroduce carbs, I went a little crazy. I almost lost 190 pounds, but I talked him in to staying.

The Anti-White Diet- this one may have been too simple. If you know your colors, you can do this diet. You cannot eat anything white--no white bread, white potatoes, white rice, sour cream, mayonnaise, or wedding cake. Okay, I just made up the wedding cake part, but it does make sense. This one might be a good one, but if you want to reach your goal weight while you are still alive, this one might be too slow.

The Smoking Diet- it’s based on the premise that if people gain weight when they quit smoking, they should lose weight when they start smoking. This one sounds good in theory, but it does come with some risks. Like lung cancer…and premature death.

The Worked in High School Diet- I lost 18 pounds on this one the summer of my sophomore year. Very simple to follow. You can only eat hot dogs, and you must boil them, throw out the water and boil them again. And, you must drink eight glasses of water a day. The only side effect to this one is irreversible brain damage. Oh, and, all your teeth might fall out…but, you will lose weight.

Right now, I am on the Rainbow Diet (if it’s a color, you can eat it) and I will report back to let you know how it’s going. Meanwhile, if you want to share a diet I haven’t tried yet but am sure to fail, please feel free to contact me at

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